So Who’s Normal?
Have you ever asked yourself, “Why isn’t everyone normal like me?” Well, if you have, you are not alone. Most of recorded history is replete with stories of people trying to figure out why people behave the way they do and how to predict and handle those weird and strange ones that are so very different than “me.”One of the first people to record and analyze the different types of behavior in people was Hippocrates. He thought it had something to do with the type of body a person had. Some people believe it’s all in the structure of a person’s face, others rely on the place and time of birth, still others feel environment has a lot to do with behavior. Is it nature or nurture? Maybe it’s a form of intelligence or genetics. Well, I believe all of these things have some truth and can be helpful. However, I’d like to share with you an elementary paradigm that has served me well for over twenty years. It’s simple to learn and it really works.When you choose to ignore the differences in people and treat everyone the same way, you are only successful or effective a small percentage of the time. The way you or anybody behaves with other people is very complex. Many factors determine behavior. These factors include your past experiences, your cultural background, environment, temperament and even your age.Yet, everyone has developed behavioral patterns, or distinct ways of thinking, feeling and acting. If you learn to recognize these patterns, you will improve your ability to communicate with the infinite variety of people you encounter everyday. You don’t have to become a psychologist or a psychiatrist. Just remember what the late Flip Wilson would say: “What you see is what you get.”
Everyone is unique. Your task is to be able to recognize the differences and respond accordingly. A good way to look at it is to imagine that different people talk different languages. When you understand the other person rapidly and are able to speak their language, you will be able to help them get what they want and need. If you are only able to effectively communicate with people “just like you,” (that speak your language), you will be successful a small percentage of the time.
So…let’s go to language school.
The first thing to remember is that even though this is straight forward and relatively simple, it takes time and practice to make this a part of you. Many people “know about” the Seven Habits, TQM, Open Book Management, ISO 9001 and Re-Engineering. But the real question should be; “How many people have internalized the above concepts?” Many know about them, several can talk about them, a few use some of the principles but it is rare to find someone who has mastered the particular paradigm.
There are basically four styles of behavior or in our analogy, languages. No one is purely only one. We all use a combination of these styles and often switch to different styles depending on our environment. When in Rome do as the Romans do.
Direct (D)
These people stand out in the crowd. A really strong Direct has a horrible time waiting in line. They are impatient. Not only are they impatient, they have a tendency to “tell” others what to do. It never enters their mind to gently ask for something. The reason, they believe it is important to get things done. “I want action and I want it now!” You might notice they seem to have a big ego. That often is obvious when they interrupt others, give orders or seem to just roll over other people.
Influencer (I)
My but these folks are charming. They usually are very talkative. This is the most obvious give away. They talk a lot and are very emotional, animated and enthusiastic. Persuasion comes naturally to the Influencer. When a job requires quiet focus without other people involved it can be difficult for an Influencer to stay on task. They love to discuss issues and tend to be personally involved with the people around them.
Steady (S)
Studies show that the majority of people are primarily this style. Remember we are all a combination of all four but this one (S) is most common as the dominate part of most people’s style. I like to call these people the salt of the earth. They are dependable, agreeable and calm. Their tendency is to enjoy a strong group or family orientation and be a bit on the reserved side. They resist change and seek stability and security.
Cautious (C)
“Everything in its place and a place for everything.” These people are often perfectionists. They find it easy to stay focused on a task since they don’t need the amount of personal interaction typical of an Influencer. Cautious people prefer less small talk and are very sensitive, especially to criticism. Since they strive for precision and order, it is difficult to find a mistake they have made. Don’t try. It’s akin to trying to find a flea on a porcupine.
When a Direct or Cautious find things are not going the way they want them to go they may appear abrasive. The Direct will become more assertive and the Cautious will become more critical. The Influencer and the Steady will tend to be more amiable if they are not getting what they want. The Influencer will try and persuade people to get their way while the Steady will be patient and flexible.
Hopefully this has just been a review for you of a familiar paradigm. If not, you may contact me at www.DavidRohlander.com for some additional information free of charge.
The better you learn to talk another person’s language the friendlier they become. I lived in Europe for three years. At first I struggled with the language and found people were not particularly friendly. As time went by I learned basic communication techniques and ultimately became fluent in German, spoke a bit of French and Spanish. The people became more and more friendly as time went by. I wonder if it was because they realized I had taken the time to understand them and their language? I think so.
I don’t know what normal is but I firmly believe the more you understand another person, their goals, their fears and learn to speak their language the better you will be able to communicate. Effective communication requires more than talent. It involves trust, respect, UNDERSTANDING, empathy and resolution. It is an art.
David Rohlander, The CEO’s Coach, is an international speaker, coach and author. David works with leaders and management teams to enhance communication and produce increased bottom line results. Rohlander established DGR Communications in 1979 to train leaders to communicate.
Nearly a decade with Merrill Lynch, personally developing commercial and residential real estate, owning a travel business and being a former combat fighter pilot gives David a unique perspective. Rohlander taught management, marketing and communications at six universities in the southwestern U.S. He has an MBA in Finance from California State University. If you want more information about David, his speaking, coaching or facilitating a program for you, call 714-771-7043 or e-mail David@DavidRohlander.com.
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